Paperbackswap.com and the New Mom

I used to be a reader….before I had kids. I could read for hours…days. I would not even care if television existed or not- I could spend every free moment reading every book in sight. As a kid, I would hole myself up in my room, under a table, behind the couch- until my Dad finally would finally find me and say (My Dad, by the way, is from Yugoslavia, thus the very thick accent I am trying to convey here- think Arnold Schwartnegger, but not so gruff) “Eet’s time to pick de walnuts!!” (We lived on a farm. In the middle of LA. -San Fernando Valley) We had dozens of Walnut trees, and my Dad loved walnuts. And if we looked like we were wasting even a little bit of time, and my reading books must have looked like wasting a lot of time….it was: “Ghet eh bag! Walnuts!!!” ARGH.

So when I moved out, and began life away from home, I read constantly, voraciously. After having kids, to say that my reading time became more limited would be like saying that prisoners in jail just do not get enough time to shop at the mall. No, they most certainly do not. So now, any time that I have to read, I do. (those few minutes before I crash at night) I have a stack of magazines dating back to Spring of 2009 that are still waiting for me. And any time I find a book that looks good, I write the title down immediately so that I do not forget (my awful memory will become quite evident here).

Given my love of books and reading- I was ecstatic when I found this website…maybe you’ve heard of it….maybe you haven’t- and if you haven’t—go and check it out this very second before YOU forget! www.paperbackswap.com . It is ONLY the best idea anyone has ever come up with!!!! Hello! You read a book, you finish it, it sits around. Here, you can mail it to someone else to read. And they mail you their books! You can make a list of all the books you want, and put up a wish-list for any books you are looking for. It’s like having an online, free (minus the shipping) library that you can do in the middle of the night or whenever you think of it. Plus, it saves the earth- we recycle our books rather than letting them sit on our shelves hoping that we will read them again. BEST. IDEA. EVER. I’m a big fan.
SOOOO…..there IS a reason I am writing about this, I swear.

Today, I just sent someone a copy of my book: The Working Mother’s Guide to Life. Pretty big title, sounds like it could be very helpful to someone. Not sure what I expected to get out of this book. Maybe I thought it would give me the big secret to juggling work and a baby (at that time I only had one, Samantha). Maybe it would help me find the time to get the sleep I so desperately needed. Maybe it would give me the magic recipes that I now needed to cook everything from scratch for my new magical baby, work and still take care of my baby all at once!!!! Alas. It did not. It told me everything I already knew: Delegate what you can (how much can you really delegate when you are a new Mommy and run your own business?) , Rest whenever you can (um, is this in minute-increments?? My 1st baby had colic), and make time for yourself (ha. ha.-as in, time for myself to fold laundry, pay the bills, shower??….I see.) At any rate, the book gave me no new revelations, and I shelved it in the closet along with the few other books that were of no use to me any longer.

After I posted this book to give to some other new Mama reader on Paperbackswap.com, I got a response almost right away from Emily in Virginia Beach, VA. So I sent her the book today, and I kind of felt like writing to new Mom Emily -a little note to go along with the book. One that might tell her a little bit more about having babies and having a job, and staying sane than this book will. The note would give a few bits of important advice that would not overwhelm her exhausted, surely overworked, new mother mind. I figure a quick note with bullets would be easier to absorb and slightly less daunting than the 2.5 inch think: “Working Mother’s Guide to Life”.

Hi Emily- Thanks for requesting this book from me. I am assuming you are a new Mom. If you are not, disregard. If you are, I would like to offer you the teensiest bit of advice on raising a baby and working at the same time. This is a thick book, and if you do not have time to read it, or if it does you no good- maybe some words from another Mom on the other side of the country might help. Good luck to you and enjoy your new baby. Here goes:

1. Make a list of all the things that MUST be done in order for your house to run. It should look something like this: feed baby, change baby, pay bills, wash clothes, put clothes away in right areas, take garbage out, get food at market, clean countertops (I know, seems frivolous, but nothing puts me over the edge like dirty, crumb-y countertops). Then sit down with your husband and make sure that he is doing at least half the things on this list. If he is not- put his name next to the items you want him to do and ask him to help you!

2. On the days you are not working, sleep, sleep, sleep. Sleep some more. Sleep with your baby whenever have the opportunity. Sleep until you are drunk from sleep. Let everything else in the house go and just REST. You will remember this and treasure it on the days you have to leave early and work.

3. If the juggle with the baby and your job seems too much, ask your boss (if you have a boss) to cut you some slack. Can you work 3 days instead of 5? 4? 3.5??? Can you work from home? Even 1 day a week? Sometimes there are ways to adjust your schedule, even just for a little while.

4. Do NOT feel bad if you don’t want to do your job anymore and just want to stay home with the baby. Some people weren’t that into their jobs in the first place and then they fall in love with this amazing creature they just created and the job is more of a drag than rewarding in any way. NOTE: VERY IMPORTANT!! MAKE SURE YOU CAN AFFORD THIS OPTION AND TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND BEFORE YOUR QUIT YOUR JOB!

5. Find some new Mommy friends. Join a playgroup. If you don’t like the playgroup you found, join another one. Keep reaching out until you connect with some like-minded Mommy friends that you can converse with, share anxieties with, lament over the loss of your figure/sleep/favorite jeans together. This will come in very handy because after getting so little sleep, your words will come out jumbled, and these ladies will actually understand your new language. They might become amazing friends too, and one day you will all laugh when you look back at all your crazy, hazy days and spit-up covered outfits in photos.

6. Enjoy both times- time with your baby, and time working. That is- if you love your job, or even like your job. Obviously you know what is wonderful about your new baby (or you will know, Emily), but try to remember what is great about your job- try to find joy in it. If you can, it will make it much more gratifying and actually relieving sometimes to come in to work and have a productive day vs. being super sad about leaving your baby.

7. Do not compare yourself to any other Mother. Not your own Mother, not Heidi Klum, not Octomom. Know that you are doing the best you can, for yourself, and for your baby. Every other Mommy is doing the best she can for her family, and has her own share of happy times, hard times and headaches as well.

8. Figure everything else out as you go. Everyone has a different way of doing the juggle. And don’t feel jealous of the Mommies that stay at home with their babies. That is more of a full-time job than you going off to work and coming home to your baby, trust me. The Mommy Wars do not exist anymore, so just try to be happy with your lot in life and trust that you will instinctually know what to do to juggle the balance of loving and raising your child and having a productive job.

That’s it! Just a short list. :)
Good luck Emily!
~Marisa